Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
