quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
