I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize