Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
