im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize