I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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