Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
