I'm jealous of your bromance
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
you never un-have a 4some
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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