I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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