I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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