Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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