Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
