You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
