I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
