why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You're like the curious george of whores
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
