A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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