Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
