I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
