I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
