we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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