mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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