I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
