talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
