yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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