I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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