I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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