So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
