So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
are you so shy because you have an std?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
