No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
