I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
