I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
