i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize