yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
