so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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