Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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