I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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