I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
