I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
