My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
40s are totally the cure
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
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