I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
