a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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