do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize