so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
