Me too!
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
