The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
