i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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