she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
