I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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