my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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