How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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