From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
