he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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