My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
