i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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