As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
