Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
