They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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