It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
