he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
