I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
