Will you blow on my dice?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I think my moral compass just broke
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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