i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
