You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I could make wine with my vomit
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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