My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
