Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
