It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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