Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
